Saellek-Star

Say this time can be different, I won’t wait to break apart. I wait with heart beating like I am running, but I will walk to where you are, where I will not be alone today.  Let this be a reversal: make me forget why I would be scared. Walking I realize what nothingness I hold here, but you still walk with me. I let you in and do not fake a word. I go with you later: never been to a place like this before. The bar is crowded but I am not trapped, your drinks are not walls. I missed this closeness, laughing into the darkness of the next morning. After you left, after sleep, I don’t need a coat in the sun. I have the wrong shoes to

Ever since, and I cannot pinpoint the exact time when it became you but ever since I’ve been dreaming of accidentally setting my bedroom on fire and it can’t be smothered; it smolders under the carpet and in the dirt under the windows I was never an option and I mourn that you'd never mourn that I am a body on your couch just like I wanted but not how I wanted: you lift me away and smile so sadly, as you do, dusk eyes the same way you did in my dream when you said not for a while and move your hands to another girl as if you’d announced a death I find a confetti star on the floor and stick it to my forehead, a third eye because everyone is calling me a fairy why do you have a star on your face? no reason, magic doesn't exist, I answer, and throw it away I'm not protected from anything there is no why there is only is when you dig your teeth into my scalp when you twine our fingers gentle as fuck and ask me why I'm okay with this; when you calm me to my core I believe you

Finally got my v own place. She's so small and CUTE. sold all my furniture. I almost didn't get her...I was living with a terrible, mentally and financially unstable narc. person who was a lot like my mother in a lot of ways, and very bad energy. Always saying how "things would work out" without putting any effort in, unhealthy, smelled bad, was jealous of my success and stability...and totally knocked me off balance. Living with people is just not something I can handle. She was weirdly nice to me but also totally weird and disrespectful with NO idea what boundaries were. No life prospects and no money, just like me before McLean. Then after a month long stupor with no job she apparently couldn't pay rent, and that moment fucked me over so bad. Everything I worked for...dependent on this person who can't handle being an grown-up. I had to put my savings on hold twice, and there was no reasoning or coherent conversations. Just convoluted BS. I was stuck in my room for two months